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crazypitz's Blog


The Importance of Acknowledgement

With every emotional dam that breaks, I realize even more how important acknowledgement is. And of course, it's not so much a declaration of acknowledgement, but that someone else out there in the world understands how you actually feel, and even more than that ---> that it's okay for you to feel them.

 

Today, I've managed to inundate myself with a lot of resentful and angry emotions. So, I've also been trying to hold them back or "correct" my thinking because "I could be wrong"or "maybe I'm just tired"or "maybe there's a reason for it all..."And for some reason, it seems to follow after watching some feel-good movie that I absolutely enjoyed, totally get the philosophy of, wishing that it's also true for me, "...Yes! I can do it! If I only believe..." But then, I get angry, and I complain in my head, and suddenly, every negative thought comes flooding into my mind, "Oh, look! Now you're negative! Now you're saying every wrong thing in the book. See! You DON'T believe! It's not going to happen for you..."Then all the feelings of guilt happen. Not just that I've broken my "magic spell"but also because I've only recently realized that I feel like I don't have the right to feel what I feel because no one else feels like I deserve to feel what I feel, for whatever reason I can imagine other people's reasons to be, or reasons that I could come up with that someone doesn't have the right to think a certain themselves. Which is another conundrum many of us put ourselves through, when you think about it. Something, I think, I may also be guilty of instilling into my children as well, unfortunately...

 


So, yes, a round of guilty  feelings, everyone! ON THE HOUSE!

And I've realized that I've been catching myself crying on those "A-ha!"moments in the movie that melt your heart like butter ---> when someone's loneliness is cured, when someone regains their confidence, when someone finds out they were loved after all when all this time they thought they weren't, and my favorite: when someone finally regains hope, the only thing they needed just to win the day. All things everyone wishes to have --> hope that there's something good for them out there. Or hope that they still have something good in their lives. Or the renewal of appreciation for the good one acknowledges that they do have. Much of which is often ruined by the onslaught of reality and the common UNappreciation of everyone else. I've been finding myself wanting to cry a lot. Something inside me wants to cry about all these feelings that I must have been keeping to myself for awhile...

 

And why? I keep asking myself why do I want to cry about this? I find myself so angry about things that I think other people don't think I deserve to feel, do, have, etc...just because I don't have a job, haven't been a full-time, wife, mother, nurse, doctor, babysitter, caregiver, gym coach, karate coach, kindergarten tutor, children's activities director, financial advisor, secretary, go-fer and maid all at the same time, ALL the time? Who am I not to be all these things at once, and still deserve rest or sleep? Who am I not to fulfill all these positions at all times of the hour, day or week, and deserve to be upset that it seems that no one really wants to help me with any of this because they think I'm the only one who should do it? 

 

I love how other people like to say to other people how sorry they are that someone like me "feels"this way ---> easy for someone who is so inhuman enough to have all their emotions and lives in control that they can say this to someone as if they don't deserve to feel anything.

 

You know, I would LOVE not to give a fuck about how people make me feel. As a matter of fact, I would LOVE not to fukkn FEEL. Because if I could be the heartless bitch I sometimes wish I could be,  I probably wouldn't be in this stupid position. As a matter of fact, I'd probably be in a top executive position in the entertainment field, having had no problem stepping on people and stabbing people in the back to accomplish my success, and be enjoying the process of tossing beta tapes at the new P.A. because I need a target for my anger. 

 

But no. Ironically, this is not the person I turned out to be (although, I have seen how I could've turned out that way, had certain events not crossed my path). I turned out to be that person that everyone loves to be around when I'm feeling hearty, but the same person everyone runs away from when I'm actually feeling quite real and as bottomly human as possible. 

 

I have but 3-4 very real friends left. Why? because these are people who've actually been through far worse than I ever have been...and for some reason, they can acknowledge how I feel, even though they've been through worse. They don't tell me I don't deserve how I feel because "other people have been through worse". They don't make me feel guilty for having these feelings. They don't make me feel guilty for feeling so incredibly human and vulnerable. They don't make me feel stupid or foolish for making mistakes in my life. They don't pressure me to be someone else that they feel more comfortable being in the presence of. They don't wish for me to be anybody else. They don't put me down for every wrong thing I've done or will do. They actually understand where I come from and why I make the decisions I make and why I feel like I do...often better than I understand myself, to be frank. And that's amazing that they can. The average person is not trained to understand people to this depth. Why else would we all be so impatient with other people? Because we often cannot understand where they are coming from. 

 

If it weren't for these few friends, I probably would've ended up much harder on myself and simply cease to exist because I've been so incapable of living up to anyone else's expectations...let alone my own.

 

So, as guilty as I'm feeling right now that I cannot do everything at this very moment, just so I can deserve to feel like I can actually have the freedom to do what I want, I will try to continue to convince myself that it's okay for me to feel whatever it is that I feel, and that even though I wish I could make everyone happy, I'm only human. I'm not what everyone else says I should be. I am not other people expectations. I DO try my best, to the point of exhaustion, and it's not my fault if other people are incapable of seeing that. I DO deserve rest and to enjoy something I want to do, even when others may or may not possibly think I do not deserve to. 

 

In therapy, I was once told that I cannot play the mind-reader, just as I expect others not to think I can be as well. As true as this may be, I still feel the impact of a "social cue". Mind-reader or not, I feel what I feel. And right now, I feel guilty for not cleaning or doing laundry all weekend and for falling asleep for extraordinarily longer hours and unexpected hours of the day. I feel guilty for not having any energy to take my children out to play or to work on my web portfolio. I feel guilty for mistakes in the past that have made people react to me in such a way that I resent my existence. 

 

I have a right to feel what I feel. To cry about what I feel. To acknowledge that it's okay to feel what I feel, but only because it's okay to feel human. It's okay that i can't do everything, because in truth, it's actually very unreasonable to think that i even can. I don't know everything, I will make mistakes, and that's it's okay for me to because I'm not superhuman, robotic or God: my best should be and IS good enough. 

 

And I guess a new thought comes to mind: if I do see others putting this pressure on me, I will remind myself that others will often put upon me the expectations that they "think" everyone else should be doing, including themselves, which may also mean, that if they make me crazy, maybe they make themselves crazy too. Maybe this is what they mean when they say that "what you do to others, you do to yourself"or "What thou soweth, thou shalt reap". Kinda like how the guilty person who commits adultery is often the jealous one who now accuses their partner of always cheating. So, I guess, another way of looking at it, is that people who are always finding fault in you, are often the faultful ones who cannot face themselves.

 

I remember when I was really young, it was always someone else's fault, and I remember that was when I really had trouble acknowledging that I could be imperfect, because I was under the impression that bad people, imperfect people, were unworthy of love. It's in all those stories and those teaching in the Catholic faith, right? And then one day, I learned it was better to acknowledge your faults. It was the right thing to do. But now, everything was MY fault. When did I ever do anything right?? All anyone told me about was every thing that I did wrong. And when I felt bad about myself,  instead of uplifting me, the negativity was re-inforced ---> but I suppose that was the thought training of the day --  if you can't suck it up, go sink like the other broken ships. I'm pretty sure that's why there was a rise in the suicide rates for a while. Pretty sure.

 

how do I NOT pass on these issues to my children? I'm so conflicted in my own thinking, how do I lead my children to a path that won't be destructive or obstruction-filled? I suppose I'll leave that for another day.

It's My Birthday

well, it  WAS my bday, seeing that it's past 12 midnight. 

My day started out crappy, as my children's grandmothers tricked me into driving to 3 different locations instead of one. My children came with us, and did not enjoy any of the activities as they all were purely adult things to do. If I had known this was what was going to happen, I would have suggested that my father take the kids so the kids wouldn't suffer the boredom of it all. But no, I had to endure their tiny little complaints, as understandable as it was. At one point, one of my kids literally had a breakdown because he felt like he was never gonna go anywhere but to places where he would have to sit still and wait.

After finally calling it a day in the city, I napped most happily for a few hours. It got better when my kids tried to make me a bday cake with candles, but could only find string cheese to put the candles on! LOL! I got a few more greetings after that, a couple more surprise cakes and some bday gifts.

But then after that, I wanted to enjoy my time online without the pressures of working on a career portfolio or hunting for a job. My husband did a great job of ruining my evening by telling me that I didn't do what I said I would do. I only said that I might work on some tutorials for the portfolio, but some folks found me online and started to chat. I don't get to socialize much these days, so sorry, I'm going to choose chatting. F-U, old man.

He apologized after that, but then said he wouldn't go with me to my mother's friend's grandkid's 1st bday party. Granted, we shouldn't HAVE to go, but my mom really wants the boys to go b/c she told her friend the kids would come. I didn't appreciate it b/c that means that I'm going to be the one to handle th boys by myself again. Anything that has to do with water, he can back out of due to embarrassment from his psoriasis. But if I wanted to back out of something that embarrasses me, I can't back out of it. Fukkn hypocrite. Lucky for me, my mother mentioned something about taking the kids and we could pick them up from the party. I might just do that instead. It's her friend that she promised my kids to the party anyway, not me.

I didn't get to cut my hair, do my nails, or take a nice relaxing spa bath, like I had hoped. But at least some parts of my bday actually went ok. =P

I should be meditating, but I'm kinda being lazy. =P

I do feel I should be meditating b/c it has not only been making a difference a lot lately, but also being in a meditative state while I'm blogging. I've been surprising myself a LOT lately with what I've written. I'm very happy with some of the breakthroughs I've had with my self-digging that has made it easier for me to release some of the weight I've been feeling in my body. I think I'm finally purging a lot of the wrong negativity that has been holding me back from what I really wanted to do with my life by playing me on all my fears. I'm sure that when I was younger, I simply wasn't ready for this, but thankfully, I am now because the subjects are are just rising to the surface like carbonated soda.

I was annoyed with a certain someone earlier today b/c he was awfully quick to dismiss me a couple of times. I'm over it now, but I was just livid not too long ago. It just irks me that when I tell him something, like "I really feel sick" he won't believe me and think i'm faking it. What reasons do I have to fake it? And then, when I talked about not wanting to look at my FB because it messes with me(like, seeing all the people who are acting like they are much happier than you, glad to show you that they are spending more money than you, etc...), he, again, dismisses me like my feelings have no validity, and of course, he doesn't understand this because he's so confident in himself not to have these kinds of feelings. So he actually doesn't know what it's like. It does piss me off grandly when someone expects you to understand and anticipate his every childish whim, but simply cannot do the same for me, especially when it's serious, like when I was feeling sick earlier...but i have to remember that this annoying lad of mine is judging from a place where he simply cannot understand me (fb issue) and cannot fathom me actually being sick (since only he would have reasons to fake illness, such as getting out of responsibilities). Honestly, sometimes I think he runs this relationship like a boss does to an employee. Which I have brought up to him several times. But again, this is just how he is. The man should be running a business of his own and not treating me like a secretary who had the nerve to call in sick. I don't understand why he isn't already running one.

Anyway, as annoying as it is to deal with, I'm kind of past it. As I've gauged in the past, this is awfully small compared to far worse things we could be dealing with. And he does try to understand me as much as possible, but I can certainly expect him to fail from time to time. Unfortunately, this makes it hard for me to be understanding of him sometimes out of occasional resentment. But I'm working through that too. Sometimes, it's better to find what there is to appreciate about a person that makes the relationship work itself out.

And there's plenty more to appreciate than there is to resent about my old boy. ;)

examining my own judgments

I woke up this morning, after my MIL had left. I was pretty cranky, and my thoughts were terribly snotty, "I'll bet she didn't finish the laundry out of spite...She knows she doesn't have to do the laundry, why in the world would it matter if she did it or not anyway??" When I went downstairs, of course, it was done. She just didn't tell me she finished it. After all, she was talking to my mother all morning yesterday and all last night. I knew they were talking other people in the household because they would always get excessively quiet when I entered the room and then change the subject and start talking louder. What kills me about that, is that they're speaking in a completely different language that I have no knowledge of. I guess it's to make sure I don't repeat any of the words to my husband since he's the one that could understand it.

So, remembering how I was told that my judgments are often judgments of myself...simply put, I was acting judgmental and snotty because I felt that I had been judged. Actually, I was judged b/c my MIL had not tried to tell me more stories about other people and their children and hadn't brought up my mother the rest of the day. So naturally, my cranky self jacked up my defensive self, and my defensive self wanted to take a few shots back for feeling attacked. And why am I feeling defensive? Because in some ways, I believe that what they say about me are true, because I'm still allowing them to convince me that it's true. If I never believed those things about me, all this judgmental atmosphere would not affect me because I would feel confident in ONLY what I believed about myself and not what I didn't. 

Another reason I get defensive? Because I hate being misunderstood. I have covered this in a previous post. Why do I hate being misunderstood? Because it means someone might think I'm less than perfect. Why do I care about that? Because if someone thinks I'm less than perfect, they'll think I'm not worthy of respect. And why should that bother me? Because it might mean that if I'm not worthy of respect, then it might mean I'm not worth loving. Such an elaborate thought prison.

Just last night I had dreams about escaping imprisonment. I have every reason to believe that's me trying to figure out how to beat this elaborate thought prison of mine. Unfortunately, in my dreams, I had figured out how to get out. Both places were crawling with guards ready to put you back in your place, and when I came close to escaping in both dreams, there were outside circumstances so overwhelming (like a super high tide of water where I couldn't see land, but I could see rare giant sea creatures staring at me) that I was forced to return to the prison til I could think of another way to overcome those "acts of God".

Seriously? God help me!

Feeling like a target for another "reading between the lines" session

My well-meaning MIL is back this weekend. Mainly for my husband's bday. But she and everyone else felt the need to wake me at the crack of dawn. Then she asked me how my mother was. I told her she was fine. What does my MIL tell me? That's not what she told me yesterday. And she asks it in a way like I should go running and seeing how my mother is doing. Then why is she asking me? Why doesn't she ask my mother herself? Her door is right there, for goodness sake! But no, she emphasizes it.  Are we taking sides again? Was I supposed to read between those lines and become a "better person", under her definition?

The she starts cleaning around the house, telling my kids to do things. I understand that, sometimes, my MIL likes to feel like she's doing her part or feels connected by telling my kids what to do, since she can't tell her own kids what to do anymore, or asking a million questions about a topic that was a short subject exchange between my husband and i. But there's something about the way she's cleaning that makes me "feel" like I "have" to clean too, like the ungrateful, lazy child, who "should" be doing things.

My HSP'ness is just blaring signals that are making me feel a lot of anger because I feel a touch attacked. I feel defensive, and I hear my inside voice defending how I'm feeling this morning, : I'm sorry if I don't have the energy to clean right here and now. Yes, I want to help clean. yes, I want a clean home. I just don't have the energy to do it right now, and I would rather wait until I gained enough energy to do it. I'm sorry if you "feel" that I'm some kind of selfish, ungrateful daughter, like my own mother likes to imply almost ALL the time, but I don't feel like being defined by YOUR judgments OR my mother's judgments any longer ---> my beliefs of myself need to stop being determined by the actions and judgments of others that won't leave the back of my mind. I'm also sick and tired of trying to clean ALL the time to appease a woman who was never happy with anything I've ever done my entire life. It's basically an eternal cycle of BS that I would like to finally break from. And no, I don't want to see how my mother is doing: She's made it very clear that she's capable of doing a million super-things all on her own and how disappointed her super-self is that I'm not.

I'm sorry that neither you nor my mother can "fix" me into the person you think I should sound and act like, but I'm done defending myself and trying to prove myself to other people. 

Good day.

A Happy Report?

I am kinda happy to report that I have not had any strongly imposing thoughts in my head that are repetitive or making me feel emotionally sensitive and crazy. XD At least not for these last couple of days.

so, either I've nailed my inner issues on the head and have finally begun the processing that I may have stunted by past repression of sorts, or this strange calm is necessary until my mind and my body feels I'm ready for the next stage.

i did also ask God that if He was going to to send me strong messages that i can't deny, please don't make them repetitive thoughts that make me feel crazy and won't let me sleep at night. Do you think that could be why?? I do wonder, I gotta say...

I was re-reading my entries on here, and I often surprise myself when I see that I actually wrote something profound and thought-provoking. Sometimes, it doesn't seem like my writing at all. Do I know this person that wrote these entries? Because a few of them actually sound impressive.

I guess my next step really is understanding how to dispel all those negative beliefs about myself. I was just pondering on the subject of how your judgments of others could actually be judgments about yourself, and another thing that popped up about that is an example of someone talking to you about judging a certain race, a certain person, a certain characteristic, but they're not talking about you, but you still get angry about it. You may think it's something unfair, but in truth, maybe they talk about something that is negative about you that you never recognized about yourself. I mean, if it wasn't true about you, why get angry about it? 

There were quite a few times I didn't know that someone was trying to insult me to my face and I never knew it because I never recognized as such. Probably because if it was true, maybe I would've recognized it?? Or maybe because  I never had those beliefs about myself, or even doubted myself in those subject areas? something for me to keep exploring further...but at another time. My annoying but beloved spouse is ready for bed all of a sudden. XD

Stubborn Thoughts and Moral Stories

I woke up this morning and kept thinking about my friend’s current situation with her boyfriend: How she feels like she’s walking on eggshells. He questions everything she does, did or talks about, and how nothing she ever does around him seems to be right. If he tells a joke, it’s fine. If she tells a joke, it hurts him. If she wants to go out dancing, he thinks she has an agenda. If she talks about her past, he gets jealous and wants to know what her relationship is with the guy she mentions. He seems to want to change everything about her because, by the way he expresses his pains to her, it would appear that he expects her to know him so well as to anticipate his needs, his insecurities, and his impending thoughts.

But this isn’t the point of why I’m writing this. I’m writing about this because of the insistent flashbacks that have been plaguing my mind. I remembered reading somewhere that if repetitive thoughts keep flashing in your mind, you should pay attention to them. Your body, mind or spirit might be trying to tell you something. 

Well, the more I thought about my friend’s situation, the more I thought about moral stories from different religions that kind of applied to her situation. Like the Buddhist story about two monks who were about to cross a stream when they met a dressed up and very pretty woman who seemed distressed about how to cross the water. I can’t remember if she asked for help or not, but one of the monks offered to carry her across the water. The other monk protested profusely(in the buddhist tradition, a monk is never to, willingly, touch a woman), but the other monk wouldn’t listen. So both monks crossed the stream with one of them carrying the woman. Once they got across, the one monk bid the woman his farewells, and they were on their way. the other monk kept at the sinning monk, telling him how he couldn’t believe he carried the woman across the water, why did he carry her across the water, he shouldn’t have carried the woman across the water, etc. Finally, the one monk turned and spoke, “I left the woman back there at the stream. It would appear to me, my friend, that you are still carrying her.”

Then a couple of bible stories popped into my head. And I remember thinking how I could remember all the parables I’ve read in the bible but could never apply them because I only read them as a child: long before I could actually understand where to apply those stories to my own...or that I was even supposed to apply them at all. After all, I was doing what a good christian kid is supposed to do: read the bible. No one told me I had to understand it. The other two stories were about how the tiny mustard seed, though the tiniest of many, will still grow into an amazing tree that is a thousand times larger than the seed itself, and also the one about the master who gave precious coins to his servants and told them to invest the money. 2 servants invested their money while the 3rd buried the money, thinking this would please the master that he saved it. When the servants returned to report to their master, the two had reported the different businesses they invested in and what extra money they got in return. The 3rd proudly said he never spent the money and still had it with him. The master grew angry with the 3rd because he had told him to invest the money and reprimanded him for wasting the money. 

The other two stories did not apply to my friend’s situation at all. But they insisted on invading my mind after thinking about how I remembered these moral stories and not always applying them.

But I see why all these thoughts are insisting on flashing in my mind. They’re all applying to the inner problems I’m currently struggling with:

  • My friend’s situation reflecting to me how I allow myself to be influenced by others around me into becoming someone I’m not, without even realizing it. My inner self doesn’t like it, because I’m obviously not being who I truly am. The only clue I have is that, when I’m around certain people, I find myself curbing all my behavior. So, if I feel like I’m always on eggshells, then I should know that I must be allowing someone to change me. Be mindful.

  • The tiny mustard seed story, I know, is applying itself to how infinitely small I’ve been feeling and how I often wonder, “what good could I possibly be??” - again, even the tiniest mustard tree grows into a great tree - In my own right, my tiny self could be much greater than I give my “size” credit for. Be mindful.

  • The story about the master and his servants investing his “money”. Now, this last story used to confuse the living daylights out of me as a kid because I was always told that I save my money. Not that I was ever good at saving money, but that was always “the right thing to do”. It did take me awhile to understand that the money in the story was symbolic of the gifts God has given to you, that you should invest your gifts and gain back, grow from them. The story wasn’t meant to be material, although I’m sure any determined person could apply it in material means as well. But the money being stagnant in the dirt is like indubitably  protecting yourself from all the risks of living and not really gaining or learning from the great lessons that life has to teach you. What have you to learn about recognizing Love if you don’t first understand and recognize the meaning of pain and hurt feelings? How will you ever understand what’s good in this world, if you don’t understand the bad, the ugly? And I must say, most of my life, I was VERY good at protecting myself. I tried to figure things out before I would invest myself, mainly because I never wanted to be chastised for not thinking before jumping. Turns out, you’ll never know what you’re capable of unless you make those leaps. If I find myself being too hesitant out of fear of the unknown, I should recognize the risks I will need to take to become the person I want to be. Be Mindful.

That last one is definitely the hardest for me. I suppose it also applies to my friend’s situation b/c her bf is always trying to figure everything out ahead of time, which is really just a means to protect his heart. He won’t allow their relationship to happen naturally (very risky)  and appears to have a need to control what all outcomes “should be”.  So I guess I can relate to the little man. 

At the same, I think I'm also understanding what they mean when they say what you think about others is really what you think about yourself.

And I suppose there is a reason why my thoughts plague me: I did ask that if God had any wisdom for me, that He make sure He makes the signs so strong, I can’t deny it. Well, Ask and Ye Shall Receive.


OMG. Emotional layer-peeling is soooo draining!!

I have been re-discovering so many issues that i've forgotten about myself, I've not only grown tired of myself, but I'm concerned about what effect this may end up putting upon my children. If I don't figure out how to overcome these personal obstacles, there are several things I've become concerned about:

  • passing on the issues to my own children as a by-product of my past
  • never achieving the goals I set for myself because I let my fears keep holding me back
Okay, several went down to just two. That's because i've been pondering all this earlier, and I couldn't get my thoughts down right away. So the rest has evaded me. The good thing is, doing all this self-work has made me more aware of my behavior. I am more mindful of my reactions, and I'm learning what it really means to love yourself. 

Unfortunately, a lot of this layer-peeling also requires a lot of uncomfortable emotions to surface and dissipate at their own pace. It's a lot like pissing: Nature must take its course. Otherwise, unpleasant accidents take place. And let's face it: no one likes the smell of urine drying up all over the place. LMAO!!!

I am grateful to be learning so much about myself and to be aware of how easy it is to get caught up in a dilemma or sucked up by the darkness of a situation. It makes a difference to understand how you process your life experiences and to understand how you cope as well as the benefits of learnings more beneficial ways to cope.

It hurts...but it's worth it.

yin and yang: the alternating flow of balance in life

ound fascinatingly complicated? It could be, if you have the eyes for it. Whether or not I can make it sound fascinatingly complicated could very well be another story.

I bring up this topic because it's been popping up in my life more frequently and at very coincidental moments. Ever ask yourself, "How can a person behave that way??" or "Why would she do that to herself??" and then talk about with friends or strangers on end because your mind won't let it go because you're convinced how wrong it is? And then make the mistake of saying to yourself or to the person that you're speaking with, "I would NEVER do that."?

There is a reason why a person should wisely "Never say, 'Never' " because providence seems to find ways for you to undo your word without you ever realizing it -- at first.

I, of course, say this out of experience. I say this...because I've judged many people in my past out of pure ignorance and repetition of narrow-minded teachings, and in the ebb and flow of Life and Time, I have found myself in those exact situations I've judged others about. Having personally experienced the other side of the story on more occasions than I care to admit, I've come to understand the thought processes that occur in a situation, and how some decision-making (though intolerable to some) has come to create certain appearances.

Now, mind you, I have not realized a lot of this until waaaaaaaay down the line, where I suddenly get a deja vu feeling of being hit on the head with the rock of clarity, "Huh...now I understand what that person was thinking/feeling..."

The worst part is, recognizing that every time I absolutely could not understand a certain behavior, I seem almost absolutely guaranteed by providence that, through some kind of unexpected experience, I will understand that behavior, whether I cared for it or not~

It's very much like a tipping balance: when there was just too much of one thing, suddenly, out comes the other. And it's not like you don't see it everywhere else: wherever there's a sense of dominating repression, in any form (country, corporate office, family, friends, etc), there will most certainly be an outbreak of rebellion. When there is someone who is so happy, they've forgotten all responsibilities, there's always someone out there trying to bring them down. Where there's someone is ultimately despairing, there is someone trying to cheer them up. Where there is too much deception or corruption, again, in any form, the truth still manages to bubble back up to the top. From Chaos comes Order. From  Order returns Chaos. A universal law that many are aware of but few are capable of acknowledging.

I suppose it's another sign for me to find balance. And who isn't seeking balance?? Seems like everyone's life lessons consist of balance and coming to terms with humanity. I do find myself far less judgmental than I have been in the past, maybe to a fault because I still want to believe in the good of others. But I know I am no angel if I am still a huge fan of Cheaters and cheering like a madperson when a cheater gets busted, with evidence on audio and video to boot! WHOOOOO! Sure, it's possible  there could be other circumstances we are unaware of or that some of those folks are deluding themselves that they're still in a relationship, but some of those folks are also being convinced they are still in a relationship if the cheater still calls them "Babe" and tells them "I Love You". I honestly have a hard time believing anything on that show is contrived when there is a very visual videotape and audio recordings. The only thing I could think of is that it could've been possible that the people were paid to act in the show and make it look like a reality show, much like Jerry Springer's during the end period of his series.

But in Jerry Springer's and Cheaters' defense, many people, including myself, enjoyed these shows because they made us feel better about ourselves at the time that we would watch them --> simply because it made us happy to know that "we" behave better than the latter. I remember asking myself why I would keep watching what many called "rubbish", especially since I abhorred much of the behavior exhibited by the talkshow guests or even the alleged "cheater". Now, I know it's because it makes you feel good about the better qualities you have, compared to the ones exhibited on the shows. Maybe another form of a hidden life balance thing? Maybe. ~ ;)


a lighter mood

I was in a better mood today. I managed to finally get some past troublesome scripting to work and am hoping that it will continue to be helpful. So there's a little accomplishment I'm very happy with.

I also did a phone interview for an internship! I was scheduled for an interview next week, but my interviewer's office sounds like they're swamped for another couple of weeks, so she had to cancel the appt on my VM. She said that she would call me once she knew what their schedule looked like. 

I was so psyched and about to call my husband too, when this really old song popped into my head out of nowhere:

"...you know it's yoooou, babe!
givin' me the courage and the strength I need.
please believe
that it's true...
Babe, I love you..."

Now, even though I'm a touch disappointed that I couldn't get that interview on Monday, I have this feeling the interviewer's office could be a lot like my old job: where it took a lot of time to get appts scheduled due to the busy nature of our work environment. And I remember how badly we needed to get some new personnel into the office, it would take quite a few weeks before appts could be scheduled by upper management.

I'm hoping that's a lil flashing sign fr the "Big Guy" that this could work out and be the right path for me to continue walking on.

In the meantime, I'll get back to working on my project...and singing a really old song. =)

   

more self-discovery and my MIL

To continue from my last post, I actually never went to bed like I soooooo wanted to. I ended up feeling compelled to break down some of the things that have surfaced and why would they exist. Now bear in mind that this list may come off simple, like I was able to read it in my head as clearly as the words on this page. But in truth, this list took a lot of layer-peeling of past situation-types, before I summarized the conclusions:

  • Always feeling like I can never say what I actually want to say because I fear that no one wants to hear it and will simply shun me. And you can't tell me others won't do that, because they do. "She's so negative. I don't want to be around her."/"Tell her i'm not coming. She's such a Debbie Downer!"
  • Always saying what I think others just want to hear from me because it makes them feel better about me being someone tolerable to be present around, a Disease-to-Please complex, if you will.
  • Always wanting to say something to make others happy or feel better b/c I prefer to see hope in others in most cases than devastation, because i know how it feels.
  • I feel compelled to do things well or do things the "right way", because if I don't, no one will like me or love me.
  • I have this unusual intolerance for being misunderstood or for being portrayed, or treated, like I'm stupid. I suspect this is another underlying issue of not being worthy of love and respect, "Not good enough" for anything or anyone.
  • I always feel like I have to consider others desires and wants ahead of my own, which includes putting what they want for me before what I actually want for myself and my own life.
  • I always feel guilty if I finally do something for myself out of fear that certain folks will view me as selfish. Which makes it worse that I should feel that if I want to do things for myself, I have to hide it from others.
  • I've never been good at standing up for myself. Whenever I have or at least tried to, I was either completely inept at communicating clearly, or my defense was never good enough to justify consideration.
  • There was a time when I was really good at repressing my emotions and feelings. Now, I'm always overwhelmed by them.
  • For such a long time, I was terrible at saying "I'm sorry" and had to figure out a way to re-learn how to say it again

Now, facing these hurtful issues with a vulnerability that I absolutely despise, thanks to good old societal brainwashing that vulnerability is weakness and considered highly undesireable, I had to really think deeply about how far back these issues really began to start...again, not an easy thing to think about but remains eye-opening for me.

Throughout these years, my mother unintentionally burned into my psyche that:

  •  I was never good enough for her in any way. If I did anything that she asked me to do, I never did it right. My mother has never praised me directly - ever.
  •  If didn't do anything that she asked me to do, I was repeatedly called selfish.
  • If I wanted to do things for my friends, she would tell me that I should do things for my family first before I did anything for friends. For example, I had a friend who was crying in devastation, and I told my mother I had to leave to help her. My mother was angry because she felt I should stay home. I had to reality-check her: "Mother, do you really need me? Right now?" Her reply was, "No." I then told her, "Then, when you actually need me,  I will be there. When my family needs me, I will be there. Right now, my friend needs me..." That was probably one of the few times I was able to stand up for myself without my mother lashing back with, "that doesn't make sense!"
  • Normally, when I tried to defend myself to my mother, her anger was so intense, that I could never articulate how I felt about anything, therefore, nothing i said ever made sense to her and anything I said to her was "stupid"
  • My mother always told me that "sorry" wasn't good enough. So I never said it again - to her or anyone else. When my mother said it to my children one day, I grew angry with her and told her never to teach that to my children. 
  • My mother always believed in this old school rank system that you had to respect your elders, regardless of question. If someone was older than you, then you had to respect them and do what they said. In other words, within the parent/child ratio, nothing I said was valid of respect or consideration...unless a freakin' doctor or a reputable priest repeated the exact same thing I did. All of sudden, it's valid and she'll suddenly follow it.
  • being ridiculed in the past by grade school classmates cemented a lot of these issues and made me far more protective of myself through repression as well as emphasized the belief that I should always do what authority tells me because it was the right thing to do.

Okay, I see that this is starting to drag out a lot more. But I'm seeing more clearly now how much of what I've ingrained into my psyche was reinforced by these repeated events. How to unlearn them now?? Well, that would have to be another contemplation period, considering this took 5 attempts to complete within the last few days. I was really hoping to get this one out because i was really feeling the revelation there! LOL! Alas, taking this long has made that revelation evade the conclusion of this bit. =P

Anyway, while I was breaking all these down, I also considered the reasons why my children and my husband have entered my life. Of course, the logical reasons would be because I dated my husband, married him and had children, duh. But seeing how my children are soooo loving, accepting, capable of humor...I don't remember ever being so attached to my mother like my children are to me. I often wonder if my children were brought into my life to balance out the lack of love I felt most of my life. They never tire of my affection, always running to me for random hugs...

 I used to be a very strong personality. As a child, I think I was a borderline dictator before I learned how that behavior did more harm than good. I used to have this belief in myself, I never took anyone's crap and I had this determination to see things to completion. I no longer have any of those qualities. My strength and faith in myself has completely deteriorated. But here my husband comes along...and although he may not always understand how I feel, he gives me the support and strength I need to make that next step. 

Now that I've greatly exhausted that subject, let's move on to my most interesting MIL. Now, just as a backdrop, she's a highly well-meaning woman. She and my mother are both well-meaning women who feel they have to fix people (as I suppose many of us may also do without realizing it), but each of them take a different approach.

As opposed to my mother, who will just outright tell you that you need to fix yourself by doing this or that, my MIL tells you a story about someone and tells you her stance on it. Sometimes, she'll ask you if you think it's right or not. i was not aware that she took this approach until I asked my husband if this is something that she does and is that why he gets angry as if she was criticizing him personally when she tells him something about his brother. He said that he wouldn't put it past her.

The reason why I brought this up is because she started talking to me about the children of one of her siblings and how they treat her. After working with seniors at a case management agency last year, I've learned how some of the children of the seniors we worked with may not care about what happens with their parents because they're either not close to their parents or they've always hated their parents for how they treated them when they were growing up. So, all I could tell my MIL was that there really was no way to judge that situation because we don't really know what kind of relationship those children have with her sibling, even if she does think she knows them well. My MIL got very frustrated and heated about the topic because I obviously wasn't giving her the answer that she wanted from me. "No! Just tell me: Is it or is it not right?!" I would only repeat what I told her before. She would tell me that she's not judging, but asking me to just answer yes or no to whether or not it's right is still judging, and she would insist that I pick one. I at least held my ground here, especially seeing that this is another one of those heated family issues that could embroil my poor husband in more family-related tensions, and I assured her that I understood that it "felt" wrong, but again, we don't really know what's going on between her sibling and the children. 

Unfortunately, from there, it moved on from that topic to her comparing situations between all her married children, including us being the one in the "I don't know" category. Whatever. I just told her we'll figure something out. Why does everyone have to be in a perfect profession and a house to finally be considered someone you don't have to "worry" about?? Yes, those are the folks you don't have to worry about financially, but is it hard to gauge that maybe we'd be okay because we love and support each other strongly, despite "public" opinion?? Isn't that what a successful marriage is supposed to exhibit? Financial success is another burden I struggle with internally. Do I really need more people to emphasize this? No. Do I really need other people to judge my "success" by my finances? No. I beat myself up enough as it is. But apparently, those who think they don't judge, feel the need to point it out. Maybe to "fix" more things about me that they think is "wrong". Maybe she's targeting me as the problem and trying to point out this flaw in a passive-aggressive way, but it went over most of my head before I even started wondering about it. In which case, I'm glad I remained oblivious all the way up to this time because that means someone never really got the satisfaction of knowingly "getting" to me. 

I hope I remain just as oblivious the next number of times someone approaches me in that manner. Ignorance most certainly can be bliss in those kinds of situations.


imperfect me was once told I was perfectly me

Something that kinda makes me feel better when I feel more fallible than most.

I read something Osteen said about not putting yourself down because it's like criticizing God's work, and of course, everything God has ever made is considered perfect. Hearing something like that does help take the edge off a portion of the negativity in my own life that is just great at clinching to my being.

I "should" be getting more sleep, because sleep is one of life's basic necessities that helps the human body get back into balance. But I have a hard time doing this for two reasons: 1.) I'm such a nightbird and 2.) I always feel like I should be doing something important.

I find it quite the paradox that I pressure myself so much, in thought, that i "should" be doing better things with my time, that I end up not doing anything at all a lot of the time. I overwhelm my mind with thoughts of achieving any and all kinds of pleasing perfection that would get the approval of anyone and everyone, and for what? To make myself shut down at the amazing feats that I feel so inadequately incapable of?? Why do I torture myself like this?? Because...somewhere in my psyche, I'm still convinced I'm just not good enough...for anyone, everyone and I guess myself as well. I absolutely hate  the fact that I just can't convince myself out of this belief. Even when I think I have, I will somehow discover down a different a path that I really haven't.

I'm amazed at how small I feel sometimes...I remember how long it took me to understand what others meant when they said, "You have to love yourself". It took so long to even figure out how to do that. Just like how it took me my entire lifetime to understand what feelings I was feeling and to put a name to each one. Thank God they now teach children how to recognize their feelings and to name them. THANK GOD! Those children won't have that problem anymore, and if anything, will be far better in communicating in general.

Sometimes, taking the Buddhist mentality of focusing on the moment of "now" helps. Because it helps me to enjoy the moments I have with my children and their loving affection. Their love is my saving grace. My husband is my strength. Everything else feels like ... matter dematerializing and materializing, back and forth.

A few sci-fi shows have been kinda playing on my surreal hopes for different forms of magic and miraculous solutions...but the important thing, is the sense of hope it manages to re-instill when i'm feeling like a useless, hopeless mess.

Brave, I am not.

But after a few falls, I do continue to try and turn around...face things...even if it a takes a few days to finally stand back up...or...I could just be saying that, because it makes other people feel I'm not as hopeless and annoyingly negative as I sound.

Or both. I certainly need to be honest with myself if I'm just saying things because i know what other people want to hear...and if I'm going to face myself fully in these reflections, it would appear that my expressions on here need to be 100% honest...not doctored percentages to appease the masses.

I guess that's another issue I should layout and study...but I'm tired of my imperfectly perfect self.

Good night.


when positivity unintentionally creates negativity

I'm writing this post because I've been pondering the effect of "positive" people shunning other "negative"people because they don't want to become "drained", don't want to catch the "negativity virus", they tend to view negative people as the "bad guys" or honestly don't know what to do around negativity other than to get away from it. All of which are understandable, as I've been on that side of the fence in all those situations, but now that I've been on both sides of the fence, I also see how people who are so bent on staying"positive" could be unintentionally be adding to the spread of negativity as well.

Granted, a majority of us are not raised or trained to be those wonderfully God-given therapists that have helped so many of us to see how our behaviors affect each other, helped us to balance our way of thinking to a more realistic point of view, thanks to their years of study on the human mentality, but we could certainly afford to learn so much of what they know to better ourselves. Which, in turn, betters those around us.

Again, we know not what we do: to ourselves, to our loved ones, our friends and especially those we know the least. Theres' a reason why people are negative: because maybe it's all they've known their entire lives, maybe they're simply not ready to move on, maybe they are ready but they're just reaching out to anyone and everyone --> grasping at straws because they don't know where to go, where to look for help or for hope. Maybe they don't need to be "fixed" or need lists of methods to try: maybe all they needed was for someone to simply understand where they're coming from and just tell them that they'll be ok anyway. Maybe they just need to know that they're loved. There could be a ton of reasons. The least we could do as human beings is have compassion and be some kind of understanding.

The last thing anybody, who is experiencing bouts of negativity or depression, needs is being avoided or being condemned. When you're reaching out for help, would it feel good to you if someone walked away from you because that person deemed your negative energy was too much to be around or that person judged you based on your negativity being so bad there was just nothing to be done about you? I think that would make anyone feel bad about themselves, if not already making them feel worse than they already do.

Since I'm not supposed to tell you who to be and what to think, I'm just going to ask my positive-leaning folks to be mindful. Mother Theresa once said that if you wanted to help her, find someone on the street who is destitute, in complete dispair, etc., and give them hope. Sometimes, Hope is all a person needs.

And if you can't tolerate negativity no matter what, don't add more of it to the atmosphere in the process of getting away from it. At the very least, guide it elsewhere in a loving way and wish the person well~


speaking from the heart

I was feeling quite hurt earlier. It would appear to me that few people are avoiding me or not responding to me. My husband felt the change in my demeanor and asked me about it. When I told him how I was feeling, he immediately asked me who was making me feel like that. I don't want to name names because some of them are his family members, others are my friends...people I don't want him holding grudges against in unreasonable ways. When I told him that's how I feel about everyone around me in general as of late, he unintentionally dismissed my feelings with, "I can't help you unless you give me names" and "fuck 'em. You shouldn't care what they think anyway". He's right about the latter, but if you know anything that the "Highly Sensitive Person", those feelings don't just go away, as much as I'd like to say I have control of them. The previous statement, on the other hand, was more targeting. Which I didn't want to do.

But i have been feeling like...everyone's just been staying away from me...like I"m doing something that ia making them all want to avoid me or dislike me. And I cried. Because I know that, should this be true, there's no way for me to know what I've done wrong, and I probably couldn't handle it if they told me anyway. I mean, I'm having a hard time handling it now, am I not?? That's when that line from Jesus in the Bible kinda flashed into my head, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do!" Very much like how I know not what I've done to make others react to me like they do. Very much how others know not why I behave the way that I do. And since we're terrible at reading each other's minds, you have to forgive: we know not what we do to each other much of the time anyway.

Then my husband returns after calming down during his smoke break (I sometimes suspect he's more HSP than me, he's just developed a far harder and less forgiving shell than I have), and said that he thinks the people could just be incredibly busy and are not able to respond. Which could very well be true and did help me feel better. He also said that the fact that he and the children love me should be all that matters anyway...which is also true...but it feels lonely when you have even fewer people to talk to other than your husband and your children...and there will be a time when the children will not want to have anything to do with me either...and when your husband, your children as well as your own self are all incapable of prying your thoughts from the despairing bottom of the barrel, then what?

It's so overwhelming when your emotions become your biggest hurdle in life ... because sometimes, the only way to overcome some of them is too allow yourself to feel it all the way through. No amount of therapy, talking, or reading words or buckling down and repressing them with mental strength will do anything to make it go away. If anything, the repressing part often makes it come back with a vengeance. And just sitting there, allowing yourself to experience the whole emotion?? that's excruciating.

innately profound

I was just reflecting on the moments that I feel the strongest and the most sure of myself...the moments when I actually feel the most like myself than any other time...those times are normally when I do my card readings for other people...I don't charge people, but they want to give me tips, that's ok (some think of it as good luck). This phrase kinda collected slowly during my reflection: "It is in those slim moments between reality and dreams..." Because when I am in those moments, I feel so centered that it's becomes surreal...or completely UNreal. I sometimes think those moments didn't even happen because they feel so unreal. But I crave it. Because it is in those rare moments where I feel completely in my element~

"You have no description right now..."

I often give myself too much to think about. I was escaping on Pinterest, pinning everything known to man that I wished I could have the time to read, make or own myself, when I noticed the description thingie stating, "You have no description right now"...then these words came me in answer, "I have no description right now. What words could there be that could speak for my heart? None if you cannot hear them for yourself." So true...how can we understand what another person is going through if we cannot understand how it makes their heart feel? 

I've been thinking a lot about how they say that our personal judgments of others are really judgments of ourselves. It's hard to understand at first. I have to keep being angry for awhile until my body finally starts to calm down, my mind starts to balance, and a balanced, more peaceful conclusion suddenly comes to mind...and not long after that, I can see how my judgments of others could really be about myself. Just another mirror, mirror on the wall...I'm often very hard on myself, like probably most people. Why do I feel I have to be perfect for other people? Why is it so hard for me to accept my mistakes? Maybe because my mother always made it a point to not allow me to forget my mistakes. Maybe because my mother was probably taught that she wasn't allowed to make mistakes either.It's not like they ever studied mental and emotional health in the past like they do now (thank GOD!). LOL!

I also wonder why I have to do things that make people happy? And even when I think I'm not doing it anymore, somehow, I still do. The natural tendency for me to do that sneaks up on me: much like how depression, sadness can creep up on you ---> everyone is pretty sure they don't like it, but it's so easy to fall into without realizing it. Darkness is strangely comfortable to many without us recognizing it ---> but I find this to be the case because to many of us, that is pretty much all we know.

And if we suffer darkness, but want to rise above it, how easy would that be if others, who are more than likely on the "positive only" kick, unintentionally keep you in the darkness by staying away from you because of your negativity? Granted, there are many who aren't ready to move on from their deep-rooted dilemma, no matter how much light you shine their way (in which case, you can only kindly wish them the best and that they feel better "some day"), but there are others who are reaching out with the only dark language that they know --> much like beggars asking for any kind of food to just...eat. Would you turn them away because you don't want to get sucked into their darkness? I suppose it depends a person's level of patience. Only a person of utmost patience and understanding can help people in darkness make a breakthrough. Sadly, not many friends are made this way, no matter how much you or I want to believe that they are.

Why am I thinking about these things? Because I was originally escaping to Pinterest because I was overwhelmed by all that I felt I have to live up to and am failing miserably at. I have so much I should be creating and learning and already knowing and putting together and cleaning and organizing and caring for, but the more I stare at any one of these for only too long, the more overwhelmed I get. The more overwhelmed I get, the more I start to dislike my lack of productivity. The more I lack productivity, the more  I feel inadequate. The more I feel inadequate, the more foolish I feel. The more foolish I feel, the more I begin to hate myself and every wrong decision I've ever made in my life. 

Why don't I just call someone and stop being so negative on a blog? Because I'm a grown woman now. Grown folks do not have friends as readily available to them at any given hour of the day. Grown folks also have grown up friends who no longer want to hear your repeated obstacles in life that you still, to this day, have not conquered, unlike every other "grown up" who is not me, I suppose. I guess grown-ups are all those who seem so happy, high and mighty --> they're better than me because they don't let anything bother them and they can just do it all. They don't tell anyone their problems either because, guess what? they don't have any! (Don't get mad at me just yet. Keep reading...)

Don't get me wrong: I'm acting judgmental because I feel that I've been judged in the past. Feeling judged makes me angry and makes me want to strike back at what I feel is unrealistic about being "grown-up". Although I feel angry, I also do realize that what makes me angry is also that I, once again, am the one being unrealistic to think that a friend can be available at any time of the day and will have the patience and understanding of a saint to hear me repeat the same obstacles that I'll be learning to overcome probably for the rest of my life.

What is unrealistic of me is to expect someone to accept me entirely as I am, unconditionally. After all, I myself have just as easily judged and disconnected from others that I could not accept unconditionally. Why should anyone else, unless they choose to do so?

What is also unrealistic of me, is to expect anyone to act as I feel that they should act. As no one else is as capable of reading my mind as I am of theirs, and every person is made to have his/her own free will --> Who am I to expect another person to act like myself when no else is going to act like me but me? And it's certainly not like I am without fault, much as it hurts to find out how wrong I can be about something sometimes.

Thus the reason why I no longer reach out to communicate my ailing thoughts. And more than likely the reasons why I relapse in my depression. I can hear some of  the practical-minded folks screaming at me to, "Get over it! Get help!" To which I will answer that I have gotten help, but yelling at me to "get over it" may work for you, but not for everybody. And for those of you that may be judging me, please re-read the last paragraph before this one and replace all the I's and the me's with "you".

 I have done therapy and medication. And it's helped, but only to a point. I feel that something is missing, which may or may not be spiritually-related. I often wonder if this is providence: leading me towards solitude so that I would return to my spirituality in full force instead of in small spurts.

It could be. Maybe. 

And such is "The World Wide Web" of my own mind. Thanks for tuning in. : ]



Wow, I could've been blogging here??

LOL! Wish I had noticed that before. Guess now I gotta figure out how to add some of my past blog posts here. 

1-17 of 17 Blogs   

Previous Posts
The Importance of Acknowledgement, posted November 18th, 2012
It's My Birthday, posted August 1st, 2012
I should be meditating, but I'm kinda being lazy. =P, posted July 22nd, 2012
examining my own judgments, posted July 22nd, 2012
Feeling like a target for another "reading between the lines" session, posted July 21st, 2012
A Happy Report?, posted July 21st, 2012
Stubborn Thoughts and Moral Stories, posted July 19th, 2012
OMG. Emotional layer-peeling is soooo draining!!, posted July 18th, 2012
yin and yang: the alternating flow of balance in life, posted July 18th, 2012
a lighter mood, posted July 18th, 2012
more self-discovery and my MIL, posted July 18th, 2012
imperfect me was once told I was perfectly me, posted July 18th, 2012
when positivity unintentionally creates negativity, posted July 18th, 2012
speaking from the heart, posted July 18th, 2012
innately profound, posted July 18th, 2012
"You have no description right now...", posted July 18th, 2012
Wow, I could've been blogging here??, posted July 18th, 2012

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