The Importance of Acknowledgement | crazypitz's Blog
With every emotional dam that breaks, I realize even more how important acknowledgement is. And of course, it's not so much a declaration of acknowledgement, but that someone else out there in the world understands how you actually feel, and even more than that ---> that it's okay for you to feel them.
Today, I've managed to inundate myself with a lot of resentful and angry emotions. So, I've also been trying to hold them back or "correct" my thinking because "I could be wrong"or "maybe I'm just tired"or "maybe there's a reason for it all..."And for some reason, it seems to follow after watching some feel-good movie that I absolutely enjoyed, totally get the philosophy of, wishing that it's also true for me, "...Yes! I can do it! If I only believe..." But then, I get angry, and I complain in my head, and suddenly, every negative thought comes flooding into my mind, "Oh, look! Now you're negative! Now you're saying every wrong thing in the book. See! You DON'T believe! It's not going to happen for you..."Then all the feelings of guilt happen. Not just that I've broken my "magic spell"but also because I've only recently realized that I feel like I don't have the right to feel what I feel because no one else feels like I deserve to feel what I feel, for whatever reason I can imagine other people's reasons to be, or reasons that I could come up with that someone doesn't have the right to think a certain themselves. Which is another conundrum many of us put ourselves through, when you think about it. Something, I think, I may also be guilty of instilling into my children as well, unfortunately...
So, yes, a round of guilty feelings, everyone! ON THE HOUSE!
And I've realized that I've been catching myself crying on those "A-ha!"moments in the movie that melt your heart like butter ---> when someone's loneliness is cured, when someone regains their confidence, when someone finds out they were loved after all when all this time they thought they weren't, and my favorite: when someone finally regains hope, the only thing they needed just to win the day. All things everyone wishes to have --> hope that there's something good for them out there. Or hope that they still have something good in their lives. Or the renewal of appreciation for the good one acknowledges that they do have. Much of which is often ruined by the onslaught of reality and the common UNappreciation of everyone else. I've been finding myself wanting to cry a lot. Something inside me wants to cry about all these feelings that I must have been keeping to myself for awhile...
And why? I keep asking myself why do I want to cry about this? I find myself so angry about things that I think other people don't think I deserve to feel, do, have, etc...just because I don't have a job, haven't been a full-time, wife, mother, nurse, doctor, babysitter, caregiver, gym coach, karate coach, kindergarten tutor, children's activities director, financial advisor, secretary, go-fer and maid all at the same time, ALL the time? Who am I not to be all these things at once, and still deserve rest or sleep? Who am I not to fulfill all these positions at all times of the hour, day or week, and deserve to be upset that it seems that no one really wants to help me with any of this because they think I'm the only one who should do it?
I love how other people like to say to other people how sorry they are that someone like me "feels"this way ---> easy for someone who is so inhuman enough to have all their emotions and lives in control that they can say this to someone as if they don't deserve to feel anything.
You know, I would LOVE not to give a fuck about how people make me feel. As a matter of fact, I would LOVE not to fukkn FEEL. Because if I could be the heartless bitch I sometimes wish I could be, I probably wouldn't be in this stupid position. As a matter of fact, I'd probably be in a top executive position in the entertainment field, having had no problem stepping on people and stabbing people in the back to accomplish my success, and be enjoying the process of tossing beta tapes at the new P.A. because I need a target for my anger.
But no. Ironically, this is not the person I turned out to be (although, I have seen how I could've turned out that way, had certain events not crossed my path). I turned out to be that person that everyone loves to be around when I'm feeling hearty, but the same person everyone runs away from when I'm actually feeling quite real and as bottomly human as possible.
I have but 3-4 very real friends left. Why? because these are people who've actually been through far worse than I ever have been...and for some reason, they can acknowledge how I feel, even though they've been through worse. They don't tell me I don't deserve how I feel because "other people have been through worse". They don't make me feel guilty for having these feelings. They don't make me feel guilty for feeling so incredibly human and vulnerable. They don't make me feel stupid or foolish for making mistakes in my life. They don't pressure me to be someone else that they feel more comfortable being in the presence of. They don't wish for me to be anybody else. They don't put me down for every wrong thing I've done or will do. They actually understand where I come from and why I make the decisions I make and why I feel like I do...often better than I understand myself, to be frank. And that's amazing that they can. The average person is not trained to understand people to this depth. Why else would we all be so impatient with other people? Because we often cannot understand where they are coming from.
If it weren't for these few friends, I probably would've ended up much harder on myself and simply cease to exist because I've been so incapable of living up to anyone else's expectations...let alone my own.
So, as guilty as I'm feeling right now that I cannot do everything at this very moment, just so I can deserve to feel like I can actually have the freedom to do what I want, I will try to continue to convince myself that it's okay for me to feel whatever it is that I feel, and that even though I wish I could make everyone happy, I'm only human. I'm not what everyone else says I should be. I am not other people expectations. I DO try my best, to the point of exhaustion, and it's not my fault if other people are incapable of seeing that. I DO deserve rest and to enjoy something I want to do, even when others may or may not possibly think I do not deserve to.
In therapy, I was once told that I cannot play the mind-reader, just as I expect others not to think I can be as well. As true as this may be, I still feel the impact of a "social cue". Mind-reader or not, I feel what I feel. And right now, I feel guilty for not cleaning or doing laundry all weekend and for falling asleep for extraordinarily longer hours and unexpected hours of the day. I feel guilty for not having any energy to take my children out to play or to work on my web portfolio. I feel guilty for mistakes in the past that have made people react to me in such a way that I resent my existence.
I have a right to feel what I feel. To cry about what I feel. To acknowledge that it's okay to feel what I feel, but only because it's okay to feel human. It's okay that i can't do everything, because in truth, it's actually very unreasonable to think that i even can. I don't know everything, I will make mistakes, and that's it's okay for me to because I'm not superhuman, robotic or God: my best should be and IS good enough.
And I guess a new thought comes to mind: if I do see others putting this pressure on me, I will remind myself that others will often put upon me the expectations that they "think" everyone else should be doing, including themselves, which may also mean, that if they make me crazy, maybe they make themselves crazy too. Maybe this is what they mean when they say that "what you do to others, you do to yourself"or "What thou soweth, thou shalt reap". Kinda like how the guilty person who commits adultery is often the jealous one who now accuses their partner of always cheating. So, I guess, another way of looking at it, is that people who are always finding fault in you, are often the faultful ones who cannot face themselves.
I remember when I was really young, it was always someone else's fault, and I remember that was when I really had trouble acknowledging that I could be imperfect, because I was under the impression that bad people, imperfect people, were unworthy of love. It's in all those stories and those teaching in the Catholic faith, right? And then one day, I learned it was better to acknowledge your faults. It was the right thing to do. But now, everything was MY fault. When did I ever do anything right?? All anyone told me about was every thing that I did wrong. And when I felt bad about myself, instead of uplifting me, the negativity was re-inforced ---> but I suppose that was the thought training of the day -- if you can't suck it up, go sink like the other broken ships. I'm pretty sure that's why there was a rise in the suicide rates for a while. Pretty sure.
how do I NOT pass on these issues to my children? I'm so conflicted in my own thinking, how do I lead my children to a path that won't be destructive or obstruction-filled? I suppose I'll leave that for another day.
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Previous PostsThe Importance of Acknowledgement, posted November 18th, 2012
It's My Birthday, posted August 1st, 2012
I should be meditating, but I'm kinda being lazy. =P, posted July 22nd, 2012
examining my own judgments, posted July 22nd, 2012
Feeling like a target for another "reading between the lines" session, posted July 21st, 2012
A Happy Report?, posted July 21st, 2012
Stubborn Thoughts and Moral Stories, posted July 19th, 2012
OMG. Emotional layer-peeling is soooo draining!!, posted July 18th, 2012
yin and yang: the alternating flow of balance in life, posted July 18th, 2012
a lighter mood, posted July 18th, 2012
more self-discovery and my MIL, posted July 18th, 2012
imperfect me was once told I was perfectly me, posted July 18th, 2012
when positivity unintentionally creates negativity, posted July 18th, 2012
speaking from the heart, posted July 18th, 2012
innately profound, posted July 18th, 2012
"You have no description right now...", posted July 18th, 2012
Wow, I could've been blogging here??, posted July 18th, 2012
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